Hello friend, and welcome back!
If you have being following my blog in previous years, you have noticed that I suddenly stopped writing some time in 2018. I would like to talk about why that happened and what’s to expect from this space in the future.
In the summer of 2017, I took an important life decision. I decided to leave Greece and move permanently to Switzerland. The goal was to find a full time job in my field of study, Computer Engineering, and achieve financial independence. I took a giant leap of faith, as I left with next to zero savings and only equipped with my education and skills.
I didn’t know what to expect from the Swiss job market, as my previous work experience was in the EU. I was hit hard with the reality that Switzerland is very different, not only in recruitment processes but social interactions as well. I spent 5 grueling months until I found my first job. In those months, I managed to find a local yarn shop, where I could regularly offer knitting and crochet classes. I also did some freelance work. But the income was no way near enough to cover the very basic expenses. Five months were enough to accumulate such a debt (borrowed money from friends of my family), that it took me almost 2 years to pay off.
My first job was not stellar, either. I had a fix term contract which was interrupted for 2 months, already after a month of employment. I was suddenly faced with the reality of having to cover 3 months’ expenses with only 1 month pay. The contract conditions were horrible. I had very little holidays and was not paid when I got sick. At some point I discovered that I was also grossly underpaid; 30% less than my male coworker doing the same job (same age, less education). Why would I take on a job like this, you ask? Firstly, I was very desperate to get any job when I found this one. Secondly, I was unaware of the standard working conditions, benefits and salary ranges that are expected in the Swiss job market. Thirdly, my previous employer was an ass. He saw how desperate I was and simply took advantage of me.
After a failed attempt at getting a salary raise (was first ignored and then bullied), I decided to quit in 2019 to look for a new job. I was absolutely terrified. I was still paying off my initial debt, had very little savings and was afraid that I would again be unemployed for months. That’s why, three months before my employment would end, I registered myself in the regional unemployment office and applied for jobs. While still keeping up with my full time job, I had 11 interviews and eventually received 3 job offers. I picked one and secured a position starting in early 2020.
This new position is where I am currently employed. In contrast to my previous job, this company is a good place to work. When I started, I really wanted to do a good job and make a good impression. But the work itself was new to me as well as very challenging and demanding. I felt extremely exhausted, but I thought that I cannot relax, I had to prove myself. I tried so hard that I completely forgot how to stop and rest.
In November 2021, I crashed. I couldn’t work anymore. The week I got diagnosed with burnout, I would cry every time I tried to work and get physically sick (fever, headache, etc). I had almost touched the bottom during the years before, but this time it was definite. I had to admit to myself that I had failed. I had failed to keep up with my own imaginary expectations; expectations that dictated that I could do it all. Everything I set my mind to. Well, reality slapped me really hard, saying ‘NO’.
I sought help. I started therapy. There, I learned that the burnout was not just due to work. It was a result of various smaller traumas accumulated over the years. Radical change of cultural & social environment, financial insecurity, loneliness. It is difficult to have an active social life in Switzerland. Being alone in a new country, one needs friends. I spend a lot of time and energy looking for good friends. This was also mentally and emotionally exhausting in many ways.
One of the most devastating effects of the burnout was that I could not enjoy myself anymore. I had a hard time resting and finding joy in the things I used to. I stopped writing on this blog initially due to lack of time, but eventually because I didn’t find it fun anymore.
I spent many months this past year trying to figure out what to do with my “hobbies”. I felt super guilty for having neglected the output of my work of the previous decade: my blog, my shop, my knitwear design work. I also felt lost. I felt like I had lost a part of me, that my life changed so dramatically, that I didn’t know who I was anymore. Was there space for the things I used to do in my free time before? Or did I have to let everything go?
At some point I was feeling so low, that I was ready to let everything go. Give up on all the knitting related activities I did in the past: no more designing, no more blogging, no more teaching. Just do it for myself and share with no one. Just the thought of this prospect was hurtful. I don’t know exactly why, but I felt extremely sad. Then, in the midst of this sadness, I realized something profound. Some of my best friends, people very close to my heart, I have met through my classes; they were my students. If I where to give up on everything, I would also have to give up to the prospect of meeting amazing new people.
This thought held me back. And I am glad it did, because this past summer I met a new knitter that gave me a renewed sense of hope. The sense that the work I had done so far and the skills I have acquired were not in vain. That they are still relevant and needed. Not just for myself, but the local knitting community as well.
I feel I have found a new purpose and this makes me feel really good. In the past couple of months, I have had a sustained good mood for days; something I hadn’t managed to have for at least 2+ years now.
This good energy has flooded my mind with new fiber related ideas. I want to write about them in this blog. I don’t know how they will develop with time, I am prepared to go with the flow. As the first “project”, I will be working with existing knitted samples and altering them by using various techniques, such as hand sewing and embroidery.
Are you curious? If you would like to join the ride and follow the new posts, consider subscribing to my newsletter.
(I don’t like posting much to social media anymore and can’t guarantee updates there.)
Hope to see you around 🙂
1 Comment